Allusions to Insanity
by WithEyesLikeSpace
Summary: Normal[nawr muhl], adj.: conforming to the standard or the common type, usual, not abnormal, regular, natural.


Disclaimer: I'm normally not one to be blunt, but if you think I wrote _Twilight,_ you're stupid.

**Note:** Edward's POV.

_"Edward, just hold me." Bella sighed contentedly into my chest, and I wrapped my icy arms around her tiny waist. I pressed my cheek into her hair before propping her up and giving her the most passionate---_

And _that's_ when I felt it. Tiny drops of water cascaded down the side of my face, and I squeezed my eyes shut for a brief second, willing myself to not bring out the torches and kill him right there.

"Jasper…" I growled in frustration.

I heard a guilty snicker from the other side of the room, before I heard my brother's graceful footsteps pad back down the hall. If we were a normal family? My brother would probably just be a little boy that was having a bit too much fun with a water gun. But we were the _Cullens_. We were vampires. We were all technically _dead_, for God's sake. Of course we weren't normal.

The reason behind Jasper's constant water gun rendezvous was that the humans that we go to school with, as well as the ones we encounter in the teeny tiny town of Forks, were driving my dear brother a little over the edge. And no, not just because he's a sadistic vampire that suffers from extreme blood lust, but because of his special ability to control emotions. Not only can he have power over one's feelings, but he can also sense them. Between the thousands of emotions and raging hormones he encounters in one day, you can understand why the guy's a little testy. Every time human emotions overwhelm him, he feels the need to rip them to shreds. With his own teeth. But he feels too monstrous to admit that (believe me, I know, I read his mind) so he sticks with saying that he wished he could shoot them all. With a gun. A big, big gun. His words, not mine. He eventually voiced this concern to Carlisle. Carlisle bought him a water gun so he could pretend like he was shooting people. It doesn't really make all that much sense to me. He's not shooting the people he actually wants to kill, but his beloved siblings that are slowly becoming pissed with him. Even Alice snatches it away every time she sees it, reminding him that he is NOT Kemosabe, despite what Emmett says.

Ah well, onto another day. Hopefully, it'd be as normal as possible. I grimaced, and could have sworn I heard God laughing at me, saying, "FAT CHANCE, vampire boy." God didn't seem like a very nice person. I wasn't really sure that I wanted to go live with him after THIS eternity was over, to a completely new eternity that would endure truly forever, however long that may be. I just didn't think he was someone I'd want to sit down and eat Frosted Flakes every morning with, that's all. Maybe he'd just send me to purgatory.

I rolled off of my leather couch, and descended the stairs to the kitchen. I smiled softly when I saw that Esme was the only one downstairs. She was buried beneath her hair, engrossed in a newspaper. I couldn't help but notice, and let my smile slip when I realized that if we were a normal family, the mother would also be sipping a cup of coffee, or chewing on a bagel. I don't think Carol Brady ever sipped a cup of blood with her morning grizzly.

At that moment, I saw Esme's eyes widen. _Oh my._

I chuckled to myself after hearing her thoughts, but quickly looked in the direction where her eyes were fixated.

……………

I don't believe Esme's old-fashioned language fit this type of situation. The only thing that was going through my head was, _What the fuck?_ There was Emmett, standing in his 6'6 glory, dressed like a _gladiator_. Just like the one on my American Express card. Helmet, armor, Jesus sandals, the works. I stared at him in disbelief.

"What?" Emmett shrugged, "I wanted to see if it still fits." _And Rosalie likes it. Is Bella as kinky as Rose?_

I watched Emmett's goofy expression turn into a huge grin, and shook my head before deciding I'd had enough. I had to get out of this house before Carlisle came downstairs talking to the toaster because he'd seen _Transfomers_ one too many times, or before Rosalie bombarded me with obnoxious questions like, "Does this make me look fat?" or "What do you think about four inch tips made of ostrich?". And I most certainly knew that Alice's consistency to nag me about changing Bella would definitely not help. I ran straight for the door, and out into my Volvo, heading for Bella's.

As I was on my way to Bella's, I pondered why my family insisted on being so dysfunctional. If they just tried to be normal, they could be. I pondered all of the ways I could possibly help them fit the run-of-the-mill family stereotype, and it wasn't until I was pulling into Chief Swan's driveway that it hit me. A dog. We needed a dog. I would take Bella to the pound with me to pick out a dog for the Cullen family. _Let's just hope none of them decide to eat it._

I explained to Bella what I was planning to do, and after giving me some rather odd looks, she agreed to head to the pound with me. I'm sure she was interested to see my behavior around something that if I wanted it to be, could be my breakfast in the morning.

Bella and I milled around the Forks Pound for a good while, before finally deciding on an average sized beagle. I paid for it, then we loaded it up in my car (careful not to rip the leather.) I smiled to myself, knowing that this dog would perhaps make us more normal. I looked at the dog in the backseat, flashing it a small grin.

And then just like that, just like he jumped straight out of that commercial I'd seen a dozen times. I heard his thoughts.

"Hey, Edward, I don't like it when you smoke weed. I miss my friend."


End file.
